(…continued from God of My Story, Part 4…)

Relationship.  What does that mean?  Surrender.  No way I’m surrendering to anybody.  But…  Relationship.  I wanted to be loved, valued, cherished, protected, and adored, too! 

But just saying the words does not get you there.  You cannot just say the words at a marriage ceremony then walk away.  You work on the relationship, you commit to life with that person. 

Relationship.  My heart was craving something I could not put my finger on.  Some of the people around me, whom I observed, had something special that I wanted.  Some of the people around me said that they had something special that I could have, too, but what they demonstrated seemed so hurtful at times.  Why would I want that kind of relationship?  I didn’t get it…  Aren’t Christians supposed to be kind and loving and friendly?

I was confused.  But still seeking, watching, and God knew.  He put me right where I could not get away from it.  A job.  At a church.  

I am often asked how I could have gotten a job at a church without being a Christian.  Easy.  Organists were and still are in short supply.  The roommate I mentioned in part one?  She was the staff pianist there and we knew we worked well together.   Was she praying for me?  Probably.  I’ll have to ask her…

For almost two years, I played two services each Sunday.  It was an old Hammond organ, and challenging to say the least when you are really just a classical pianist, but I had fun regardless.  The pastor and his wife were so kind and friendly, I’ll never forget them.  She led the college Sunday school class.  And his sermons – gosh, I still remember them.  Those are memorable sermons when you remember them over ten years later.   The music minister and his wife – so precious.  They call us even now if they pass through town. 

I watched, I observed, I learned.  I soaked  it in.   The walls were coming down stone by stone…pride by miserable pride…

The fall of my senior year.  November.  Late November, I believe.  The church was hosting a revival service and it was a Wednesday night.  I shattered, I could hold up my resistance no longer.

I wanted a relationship with Jesus.  I wanted Him to be mine.  I wanted to be certain of my future, and certain of forgiveness when I messed up (sinned).  I wanted to surrender my all to Him.  Was I giving up my freedom to Him?  Yes and no!  It was a joyous surrender and a joyous freedom that words cannot explain. 

I knew.

With tears in my eyes and unsure of what to do next, I grabbed my former roommate, L, and told her to please come to my apartment when she was finished because I needed to speak with her.

She knew. 

Somehow I knew that it would be my last chance to accept this relationship, to circle “yes” on this proverbial slip of paper.  Somehow I knew it was a Life or Death moment, with the weight of eternity in the balance for me.  It felt Heavy.  I had never felt anything like it before.  I knew I had a choice, to say no and reject Him – again – yet, I also knew that this time I would run full-fledged into His arms like a child.  My pride had fractured into a thousand pieces and I wanted this relationship more than life itself.  (Little did I know how many years later, it would also save my physical life, literally.)

L arrived and I hiccuped through my tears and we prayed together, something like this…

“Father God, please forgive me of my sins!  I believe you died on the cross for me and my sins and rose from the dead to be my Savior.  I want to have a relationship with you and I want you to live in me and my heart as my Lord and Savior!  Amen!”

The burden was gone.  Gone!  I felt humbled, relieved, happy…did I mention humbled?  But in a good way.  The Holy Spirit, as a result of my surrendering myself to a joyous relationship with Christ, was now a permanent resident of my heart.  I had help for living!  Help!  I was no longer ever alone.  A peace unlike any I have ever known filled me.  Joy unexplainable. 

L took me to our pastor’s home to discuss my decision and to pray together.  We would make my decision known to the church as a whole the following Sunday.  (This is joyous news to share, you do not hide your “light”!)

The following Sunday(s) did not turn out as expected.  In fact, it threatened to shatter my new-found faith.  But God knew way before I did and already had His hand of protection on me and the Holy Spirit in me to comfort me.   Friends were already in place to guide me down a rocky road when I was ready to reject it all so quickly…

…to be continued…